Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, journalling was a catharsis for me. I used it to confess things that frightened or bothered me, and in doing so, I excised those personal demons. I stole their power. By admitting to them, they somehow lost their sway over me. I could accept them.

The unifying characteristic of the 3 ex-girlfriends I still sometimes fantasize about sexually isn't their attitudes toward sex or about the sex we had. They were the ones I found most appealing physically. They had the bodies I enjoyed most.

This bothers me, because in some small way, they hold sway over me. I've not left them entirely in the past the way I'd like to, because they still come to mind, even if only in those limited circumstances. It bothers me because I'm not on a speaking basis with either of the 3, nor do I wish to be, and yet I still want to see them naked again and would probably sleep with them again, given the chance.

They were on my mind last night and today, specifically, and thus my writing about them, because I came across one while I was perusing online personals yesterday, and it caught me by surprise. After yesterday helping Geoff move into the new apartment he will be sharing with his belle, I was already at the height of "man I really wish I had someone in my life right now, even if it was just a friend with benefits". That's why I was perusing online personals, obviously. And then BAM! there she was and BAM! instinctively I was thinking "man I'd love to see her naked again". And that left me feeling twisted and conflicted enough to make me sit and write for the first time in ages.

And sitting here typing about it, well, doesn't change much. I still need to find someone. I still need to get laid, in the least. I still wish I still had a "friend with benefits" floating around out there but I haven't cultivated that kind of relationship in ages. And I still want to see her naked. Admitting all this hasn't changed any of it.

But I do at least think I feel a little better about it.

Blip.

Obsession - February 2000.

Once again, I find it's been so very long since I've sat here to write, and once again I find myself back here. And I suppose that once again, it's not for lack of something to say. True, not a whole lot has changed in my life of late, but a few things have changed in my mind. I came to a stark realization a few days ago, for instance, about something rather astounding that's changed in my personality, my mentality, over the last couple of years, and I realized it because I was thinking back on my journal.

With the future seeming a long ways off just now, I have of late, as I often do in such circumstances, thought a lot about the past. And with the realization a few weeks back that it's been over a years since I've... had the engine serviced, so to speak... add to that meeting Geoff's latest girlfriend (who, by the way, I think has the most potential for a good relationship with Geoff of all the women he's met in the last number of years, no offense to the others, but she just seems... more... well, more Geoff... *shrug*). Anyway... I've spent some of that time over the past few weeks thinking a lot about past relationships, about women in general, about the fact that I haven't been out looking in ages... I decided I would start looking again, and actually, tonight, for the first time in months or maybe even a year, I actually feel a little lonely and lovesick. Which I guess is why I'm writing. I don't have a close friend right now I can turn to to talk about it, and so here I am, talking to myself.

Or perhaps it's just from listening to that Nora Jones CD of late. Who can truly be sure? =p

Anyway... more to the point. I realized that somewhere in the last 5 years women fell from their angelic status to just plain normal human beings. I've stopped caring about their approval any more than men's. It's all just the same now. I don't want to be judged by them any more than by my male friends. I don't care if I am judged and somehow found "lacking" in some woman's eyes any more than I would if it were a man's. I decide my own worth, and am no longer subject to this childish obssession. And there's no great momentous event. I've searched my mind and couldn't find it. There's no sudden earthshattering trauma that occurred somewhere in those last 5 years to snap me out of my idolatry. I don't know when it changed. I don't know how it stopped. I just... standing in the shower the other day realized that somewhere along the line I stopped being concerned about it the way I used to. I stopped giving a shit. I'm me, they're them, boys are boys, girls are girls, and what the fuck ever.

As I scanned through my mind, thinking of ex-girlfriends, I wondered if maybe there was one who'd done or said something in the past 5 years that might have caused it... something that slowly sank in maybe, but alas, I've been unable to credit any of them with it. I mean, I know Jenny did teach me a bit of a lesson about my Nick-Hornby "box your own weight" belief, but that's not quite what I mean. Maybe it's too much time spent scanning personals. Maybe it's a product of age.

But there it is. *shrug* What the fuck ever.

I did also come to a few other interesting observations though. Or at least interesting to me. I find that when I think back of past good sex, there's only 3 women that I really think of, and yet, when I think back of past relationships, there's 2 others, but they don't cross over. That might not seem odd, except that I had really great sex, perhaps the best sex, in those 2 relationships I dwell on, and yet they never come to mind. It's like it's an either/or scenario. And with regard to the 3 women I do think of, 1 was very awkward sex, another so-so sex that really wasn't all that memorable. The only reason I can settle on as to what unifying characteristic those 3 sexual relationships have in common would be that in those 3 cases, the sex I'm thinking of was only about sex, and not about romance. It was sex for sex's sake. So I guess the conclusion is that my mind seems only to dwell on one or the other at a time - sex or romance - and there really is a separation in my head between the two.

I'm tired and want Pepsi, and have a small cut on my finger from helping Geoff move today, which makes it sting a little when I type.

So I'm buggering off now. You should too.