Odd Things I've Never Done, or Probably Never Will Do

Ignore this, it's purely a memory device for myself:
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I was thinking the other day about things I've never experienced, many of which I figured I would, some of which I probably never will. For instance: I've never had sex in the back seat of a car. I've never spent any real time in the US. I've never deflowered a virgin (and at 32 and climbing, I'm not likely to). I don't think I've ever skinny-dipped, though I have played strip card games (was skat, not poker). I've never been on a "real vacation" anywhere, in spite of travelling (it was always work or cadets). I've never seen or read Casablanca, Citizen Kane, or Gone with the Wind (and a dozen other classic movies and books).

Some things I've always wanted to do but probably never will: I'd love to travel to eastern Asia (China, Japan). I'd like to learn to play guitar (finger-picking, specifically), for the sake of playing only a few particular songs (St Agnes and the Burning Train, The Man's Too Strong, Fragile, Iron Hand... maybe a couple of others I can't think of right now). I'd like to travel to a few of the major US cities, even though I'd no doubt scare the shit out of me (I'm afraid of Americans =p). I'd like to write a book that gets published. I'd like to learn to ballroom dance. I'd like to compose a love song (on the guitar, after I learned to play it). I'd like to be some form of therapist and/or educator for some type of real-life issues. I'd like to dance and feel comfortable doing so.

That's the great thing about life, I guess: you can experience so much, and yet there's so much remaining.

Hello? McFly? Are you in there?

Read this.

It seems my first instinct the other morning was right. The Drama Queen must have run out of supposed-persecutors to blame for whatever current life situation she's in, so she dredged me up from the past. She just doesn't get it. She's my ex-girlfriend. We didn't talk for a few years until she messaged me the other day, on account of I didn't want to. Could be why I didn't answer her last Email a few months back. Could be for good reason. Could be I don't romanticize the relationship I felt trapped in. Could be I resent the (to this day) $15,000 worth of debt I built up supporting her for 15 months while she could barely be pressed to do a bit of housework between the sleeping in and the running up my phone bill in the wee hours after I'd gone to sleep. (Having phone sex with another guy, I suspect.) I mean hey, why wouldn't I want to re-live that?

I obviously should have clicked "block" after all, Taoism be damned. Not a mistake I'll make twice.

So Jenna, take your leppers and go, but if you must, Jenna, feel free to comment. It'll amuse me, and you know it. (For a brief time, after which you'll once again be simply forgotten. Just like before.) And you can vilify me too dear, as much as you want, because the biggest difference between us now is the obvious: your opinion of me doesn't matter to me, and your resentment is over the fact that you can't say the same.

She never understood me then, and she never will. Because I might have been the man she was looking at, but I wasn't the man she was looking for.

Which reminds me, I still haven't dropped up to visit Dad in ages. Perhaps I can get by on the weekend.

Congrats, Jenna - you won yourself 1 extra hour of my life more than you deserved (about how long it took to write this, and nothing more). And you were right that our talking could do us both good. I feel so much better after finally writing publicly just how much of a bitch I really think you are. Thanks! =D

Open and Shut

What a strange day.

I arrived at work to find an ex-girlfriend with whom I hadn't spoken in years was adding me to her messenger, and after puzzling for 5 minutes over whether to accept or block, I chose accept, only to be assailed simultaneously by a Phil telling me about last night's code changes and Joanne asking me to bring her up to speed on how many days I was owed on which contracts so they could cut me a check today, at the same time those first hello messages were coming in from the ex.

I assumed before I accepted it that she was coming to "play Jesus to the lepers in her head" (thank you, Bono, for that fabulous line), but that wasn't quite the case. Or at least it wasn't the whole case. In any case, we're not going forward talking, but we did peacefully exchange a short conversation. I hope it brought her some peace with herself.

I'm sure I've many friends who'd say I didn't owe her that conversation, and who'd suggest I should have clicked block to save myself potential heartache. You're right - I didn't owe her that conversation, but that's not why I accepted it. And I wasn't risking potential heartache; she cannot hurt me now. It's been too long. The wounds have closed.

Meanwhile, back the present and possible futures... I don't rule out that I might still have a 2nd date with Emily. But basing it on the simplest possible determining factor: "Did I have a good time the first time?" The answer would be... "enh... it's was ok". It felt like entirely too much work. There wasn't a lot of laughing and smiling on either side of the table. She's a very attractive, intelligent woman. But she doesn't feel like the one for me, and while I'd still love to at least seduce her for a little meow-woowoowoowoo-rawr-weeeeeeee-boing!-hubbadahubbadah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, she seems so innocent, I think I'd feel like I was taking advantage, in spite of her being a grown woman perfectly capable of taking care of herself. If she was brave enough to come forward and suggest the 2nd date herself, mind you, she'd score huge bonus points, and then I'd simply have to. Man, I love no-nonsense, aggressive women. :)

But hark! I've been continuing to browse the personals, and sending out a few winks and the occassional message. There's a woman whose profile I came across last night, and looking at the photo, I'm SURE I recognize her, but I just can't remember from where. And I've been wracking my brain all night and all day, and I just can't place it. And the fact that she's sexy looking and has a killer smile (hold me, I feel weak) only makes me all the more nuts about it, because if it turns out we do know each other, it could make this whole process a lot faster and smoother. (Every time she smiles, I'd melt and babble like an idiot though. I would have to steel myself against that.) So I dropped her a line, and with luck, maybe I can meet her and we'll see where things go.

And she's not the only woman I've contacted either. *G*

All these boyfriend skills, going to waste... ladies, c'mon - talk to your friends. The network is just not doing its job. :P

Indecision

Ok, so she responded to my Email with - as expected - a polite but non-committal answer. If I leave the ball in her court, it will go nowhere. The responsibility for moving things forward rests solely with me. I suspect, given her reserved nature, that any relationship we could have would largely remain that way: very one-sided. If we were talking long-term, that would simply not work for me. That's a deal-breaker. But we're not talking long-term, we're talking 4-6 weeks max. So the question is what do I want to do with the time that is available to me.

Which returns me to "I don't know."

It's not that I'm adverse to starting a short-term relationship that doesn't have that usual open-ended indefinite nature. I've done that in Greenwood many times when I was younger, when I started seeing women I only expected to be working with for 6 weeks and who were from different provinces. We usually tried to continue it long distance afterward, it routinely failed, and I never had any regrets for what time we did share together. But I had certain expectations of those relationships that I don't think I can assume here.

There are differing levels and types of relationships that take place: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical. On an emotional level, given her reserved nature, I doubt we'd develop a strong bond in that short a time, if ever. I've seldom felt a spiritual bond to any woman, and in some ways I expect that's how I'll some day know I've found "the one", but that's a story for another day. On an intellectual level, she's incredibly bright, but we don't seem to share many of the same interests. On a physical level, I certainly find her attractive, but given her age and possibly an almost-reclusive nature, I don't expect we'd end up in a "sexually-charged" relationship. I also figure, given the short time frame and our schedules, we'd end up seeing each other only about 8-12 times before she left, regardless of what kind of relationship we formed.

So do I go forward? Do I expect anything? Do I let it wither and die, assuring myself we're too different or she's too young? Do I seize it as an opportunity that should be explored before it's dismissed?

*shrugs and shakes his head*

Linchpin

There is one far-fetched possibility that could make it all make sense, though it still wouldn't make her position clear. I usually don't have a problem wrangling women into that conversation - the challenging ask-anything kind. They usually leep in eagerly. But she gives up information only in tiny hard-earned morsels, and I doubt she'll go for that. If we do go out again, I may have to be bolder than ever. I just have to figure out how to without crossing the line or scaring her off.

And Now the Moment You've All Been Waiting for

I don't know.

You're wondering how it went, and my only answer, sadly, is "I don't know". Let's start with what I do know, and then build from there.

I do know the conversation had many awkward silences, but that's to be expected on a first date. I do know we didn't immediately "click", but that's so rare it's practically fantasy. I do know we're two very different people from two very different worlds. I do know I thought her a little older than she is (I guessed 24, she's 22.) I do know she thought me a little younger than I am (she guessed 29, I'm 32). I know she's moving away in November, and I'll likely not see her again (yet she still accepted this date). I know she had a much harder time coming up with things to say, but that as much as I tried to give her talk time, and asked lots of questions, she was either nervous or simply had nothing to say, so I felt the weight of the conversation mostly on myself. I know I babbled on too much, as I always do, because I'd still rather fill that silence with something than have it sit there putting pressure on us both. But I kept stopping and asking questions, trying to discover as much about her as I could, and to give her as much talk time as I could. And I know she tried, as best she could, to do what she could with that time.

I know she's very different than I expected in many ways, though I wouldn't characterize her as better or worse, just... she's much more unique than I expected. In some ways, she's just what I guessed. In others, she's very different. She's quite unlike anyone I know. And in any case, she's now passed from fantasy to reality. She's still got a lot of mystery left to her, but at least she's a real person in my head now, and not the enigma she was for so long.

What I don't know: did she have a good time? I've no idea. She could be sitting at home right now going "wow, he's BORING", or she could be sitting at home saying "he's WEIRD", or she could be at home saying "*sigh*, how can I get him to kiss me?". I've no idea. I could not read her body language at all (and I was paying attention). I could not read her tone of voice at all. She is so unique compared to other women I've been around, I really found it impossible to read anything out of anything she did or said. Nadda. Zippo. I am in... the... dark.

Am I still interested? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Will it happen again? I've no idea. I suspect that the onus for a second date will fall to me asking, which I likely will, and there's sadly no way to go about it with any less fear of rejection than the first time, since I really didn't get any kind of impression for how she feels. I could get "no thanks". I could get "SURE!".

I just don't know.

Fu

(That's "Fu", not "F-U".)

I suspect if I blog often - as often as I feel like blowing off steam - this will quickly degenerate into a run-on diatribe that will make me come off sounding like I hate my life and everything in it. This is certainly not the case. There are a great many things lately the make me anxious. Some make me anxious in a good way (Emily), and others in a bad way (must... find... regular... job!). But ultimately, while I think my life is in a bit of a rut at the moment, I know it won't always be that way, and I look forward to the day I hit the top of the curve again.

The frustrating thing lately seems to be keeping all the balls in the air. Life is like juggling, and lately I've been trying to take on new balls (finding a girlfriend, for instance), and I've been bobbling others as a result (neglecting my EQ guild, for instance). It saddens me to think I cannot move some aspect of my life forward without paying for it elsewhere.

I want progress, not just change.

The Waiting Game

unfolding soul

Damn do I hate waiting. It's funny, you know, that people tell me all the time that I'm patient, but I don't feel like a patient person. If they knew half the swearing I do in my head, or the countless hours of sleep I lose when I'm anxious about something...

Right now I'm waiting 5 minutes so I can call back Pasta Plus and make a reservation for Tuesday when - after exchanging 4 of 5 Emails to wrangle a time that was agreeable to both of us - I'll finally sit down face to face and talk with Emily for more than 30 seconds, which is the average duration of every other talk we've had in the past 4 years.

Which, speaking of anxious... I'm not sure exactly what I'm hoping for out of this. I really don't know what to expect. I felt it was simply something I had to do, because it's something I've wanted to do for years and which I've been giving myself every possible excuse to avoid until now. Finally, my curiousity has gotten the better of me, and I have to know what happens next. But unlike most relationships that I go into with a certain expectation, I really don't have much expectation for this one. I suppose that's because I realize I know so very little about her, really, so it's impossible to extrapolate. I imagine sitting down over dinner will lead me to do a lot more predicting after that. Whatever comes of it, I hope it all turns out well.

Well, I think I may have killed enough time. Hopefully I can make the reservation, click Send on the Email, and then indulge myself in a new guilty pleasure on Sunday night TV. (Sadly, one far too shameful to even admit here. =p)

unfolding soul

Reincarnation

So I often have things to write that don't get written. They're usually small things. Ideas. Things that aren't worthy of the time and energy it takes to sit down and properly think through, write, edit, and post a proper page in my online journal. Well, perhaps they're worthy, but let's face it: I can be lazy.

So I thought I'd give this a whirl - not in place of, but in addition to.

And if it works out, I guess I'll keep it up. And if not, well, it didn't take much effort now did it?

unfolding soul