Once Upon a Time
Once upon a time, journalling was a catharsis for me. I used it to confess things that frightened or bothered me, and in doing so, I excised those personal demons. I stole their power. By admitting to them, they somehow lost their sway over me. I could accept them.
The unifying characteristic of the 3 ex-girlfriends I still sometimes fantasize about sexually isn't their attitudes toward sex or about the sex we had. They were the ones I found most appealing physically. They had the bodies I enjoyed most.
This bothers me, because in some small way, they hold sway over me. I've not left them entirely in the past the way I'd like to, because they still come to mind, even if only in those limited circumstances. It bothers me because I'm not on a speaking basis with either of the 3, nor do I wish to be, and yet I still want to see them naked again and would probably sleep with them again, given the chance.
They were on my mind last night and today, specifically, and thus my writing about them, because I came across one while I was perusing online personals yesterday, and it caught me by surprise. After yesterday helping Geoff move into the new apartment he will be sharing with his belle, I was already at the height of "man I really wish I had someone in my life right now, even if it was just a friend with benefits". That's why I was perusing online personals, obviously. And then BAM! there she was and BAM! instinctively I was thinking "man I'd love to see her naked again". And that left me feeling twisted and conflicted enough to make me sit and write for the first time in ages.
And sitting here typing about it, well, doesn't change much. I still need to find someone. I still need to get laid, in the least. I still wish I still had a "friend with benefits" floating around out there but I haven't cultivated that kind of relationship in ages. And I still want to see her naked. Admitting all this hasn't changed any of it.
But I do at least think I feel a little better about it.
The unifying characteristic of the 3 ex-girlfriends I still sometimes fantasize about sexually isn't their attitudes toward sex or about the sex we had. They were the ones I found most appealing physically. They had the bodies I enjoyed most.
This bothers me, because in some small way, they hold sway over me. I've not left them entirely in the past the way I'd like to, because they still come to mind, even if only in those limited circumstances. It bothers me because I'm not on a speaking basis with either of the 3, nor do I wish to be, and yet I still want to see them naked again and would probably sleep with them again, given the chance.
They were on my mind last night and today, specifically, and thus my writing about them, because I came across one while I was perusing online personals yesterday, and it caught me by surprise. After yesterday helping Geoff move into the new apartment he will be sharing with his belle, I was already at the height of "man I really wish I had someone in my life right now, even if it was just a friend with benefits". That's why I was perusing online personals, obviously. And then BAM! there she was and BAM! instinctively I was thinking "man I'd love to see her naked again". And that left me feeling twisted and conflicted enough to make me sit and write for the first time in ages.
And sitting here typing about it, well, doesn't change much. I still need to find someone. I still need to get laid, in the least. I still wish I still had a "friend with benefits" floating around out there but I haven't cultivated that kind of relationship in ages. And I still want to see her naked. Admitting all this hasn't changed any of it.
But I do at least think I feel a little better about it.
posted by unfoldingsoul at 10:30 AM
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